Thoughts From An Abused Child

I tried so hard to be the daughter that you wanted, but nothing I could ever do was good enough. All I ever wanted was for you to love me and be proud of me. That was all that mattered to me. I just wish you could tell me what I did to make you hate me because I loved you so much, even though you put me through hell. Because I told myself you did it because you loved me.

But I guess that wasn’t what it was. I just wanted to know if you ever truly loved me. If there was ever a time I was ever good enough to be loved.

Those are the questions I will ask myself for the rest of my life, and that alone is worse than anything you have or could have done to me.  Because of you I missed out on everyday life. I missed out on the love and happiness of a family. That is something I will never get back, and for that I can never forgive you.

Because of you every day of my life I wake up and look in the mirror and I see that bad little girl who could never do anything right to make her parents happy.

Because of you I am emotionally and physically scarred, and every time I look at myself I see the product of your so-called love. And it hurts.

You don’t know how hard it is for me to say this to you. But I needed to tell you what was in my heart. I am so sorry I wasn’t and never will be the daughter that you wanted or could love and be proud of.

Even though I would have done anything for you. I would have died for you if I thought it would make you proud of me and love me.

I would have done anything for you. I would have moved mountains if I could if I thought it would make you love me. That’s how much I loved you. That’s how much you hurt me.

I just wanted to tell you how much you hurt me because I don’t think you fully understand how much damage you have really done to me.

 

Does it matter to you that I prayed every night, God would make me a good girl?  Maybe then, you would love me.  It seemed at the time, Jesus didn’t hear me, in truth Jesus heard me, but you chose to close your heart and mind to Him.

I grew up, hating myself because all I understood was how unworthy I was of your love.  I thought I was unworthy of Jesus’ love too.

Does any of this even matter to you?

Thoughts?

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